When to cut 'em off

How do you know when to quit pursuing a professional ministry relationship that is not moving forward? What do you do when you have a volunteer or (in my case) a student in ministry who is not where they need to be? How do I know when to keep pursuing them and when to move on?

For me, it comes down to 3 things. These things are in escalating order of importance. In other words, number three is more important than number one.
1) Your bandwidth
The amount of available time and energy that you have to invest in this person definitely comes into play. If you're out of energy, this really limits the amount of time you have to invest in unmotivated people. However, if you have spare time on your hands, then go for it, even if they're tough.
2) The person's value to you personally or the organization
For the organization, value is equal to the amount of leadership potential. To quantify leadership potential, read John Maxwell. Ask yourself, "is this a person that people naturally look to for decisions." If so, more effort is warranted than if the answer is negative. I use the calibrated gut to put people into a 1-5 (5 being great potential) grid of possible influence on others.
3) The teachability of the person
This is the most important issue. I want to spend the majority of my time with people who are teachable. If a person has a leadership potential of a 5 but 0 teachability, I pass them by. However, if there is any teachable attitude present, they would be well worth the effort. I would give a 5 LP 1 Teachable much more effort than a 3 with the same teachability. However, I would invest in a 3LP who was teachable over a 5LP any day!

No matter who they are, all people matter. Therefore, attitude counts. What you say is as important as how you say it. Give them the love sandwich (meaty truth sandwiched in between two pieces of affirmation). Give them every piece of information and available opportunity to become the type of person they need to be and show themselves teachable. Of course this assumes that we are being teachable ourselves. As such, we should remember that with every relationship there is something to be learned.

Anyone can Criticize; Leaders make Solutions

It really doesn't take that much intellect or effort to notice that things are messed up. It's almost like saying that the sky is blue. Of course, things are not as good as they could be, whether we're talking about the world at large, our organizations, our families, or ourselves. I can think of at least a dozen things wrong with each. Almost all of us could.

A better way is needed. I tell our leaders that when it comes to evaluations, we need to hold our tongues until we are ready to propose and be a part of a solution. I will not hear a complaint without a proposed plan for solving the problem. This does two things. First, it keeps the gossip and rumor mill shut down. If everyone knows that complaints without solutions fall on deaf ears then pretty soon, they quit griping or leave. Second, it fosters forward movement. Criticism without remedies breeds negativity and regress. On the other hand, people who are accustomed to thinking in terms of solutions are difference makers, have ownership in the organization and have a positive attitude. These are all things are highly preferable to the alternative!

"Just buy 'em a beer."

A friend of mine, a "youth" pastor at another church, recently told me about a conversation he had with his boss. The context of the conversation was about how to win the allegiance of the men in leadership of the church. The advice given to him was, "just buy 'em a beer, and they'll love you" or something like that.

On one hand, that's really funny. On the other, its very smart. Notwithstanding the various positions concerning consumption of alcohol (I recommend Driscoll), in our "subural" (combo suburban/rural -I made that up) Texas culture, buying someone a beer is a kind gesture. It's different from just buying someone lunch, it's more manly and intimate. It means you're part of the team, in the club, one of the guys. So, it only makes sense, to "buy 'em a beer" if one wants to get "in" with the dudes who make decisions and influence people.

To put some theological and philosophical reasoning behind this action we only need to look as far as Jesus. He was accused of being a "a drunkard and a glutton, a friend of tax collectors and sinners." There are two charges leveled against him. The second of the two was that he befriended the outcasts and misfits of his society. We know that this charge was indeed true. He was a friend of prostitutes, lepers, Samaritans, sell outs and the like. But to move toward the first charge of excess, both in drink and food, is a bit more controversial. I don't believe that Jesus drank too much or ate too much, but he apparently drank and ate enough for the charge to stick. Whatever we say about his evangelistic and discipleship methodology, it seems that we must say that drinking and eating were staples. To understand the why behind Jesus' actions a little more understanding is needed.

Eating a meal with someone in the first century was a fairly important deal. To eat with someone signified extension of friendship and loyalty. The sharing of a meal was an indication of love and commitment... kind of like buying someone a beer in our culture. Both are acts of hospitality and generosity that assume a certain level of relational status. Jesus aligned himself, through the cultural forms of his day, with those who needed to hear the good news, both the disciples and the marginalized (another blog on another day on that last part).

Since I deal with students, who are typically underage, I don't "buy 'em a beer." I usually buy them a drink @ Sonic or Starbucks. It's amazing how God uses the purchase of a $3 beverage to open opportunities for the gospel of Jesus to be planted and take root.

So, be like Jesus and "go buy 'em a" fill in the blank with the legal beverage of choice!