Dudes

The longer I’m alive, the more I believe that almost all of society’s problems stem from men not being men. I’m not the first to observe this but I feel like it’s not talked about nearly enough (e.g. Brad Pitt’s rant in Fight Club). Having worked with people and particularly students for over 14 years now, I estimate that my field of work would become as obsolete as a 386 computer with a turbo button if dads would be dads. I’m no psychologist, barely a theologian, more of a shade tree philosopher, but it seems like everybody’s got some kind of daddy issues.

Dudes are pissed b/c he wasn’t there and when he was, he was either too busy or an a-hole. So, they become anger boys or withdraw into themselves (many times becoming effeminate), depending on their personality. Chicks feel the same way, wanting dad’s attention, affection and love. When they don’t get it, they find some boy toy and give themselves to him, craving a watchful eye and physical contact. He’s happy to give it (or get it, if you know what I mean) and mutual using and codependency ensues. This is only the beginning of the downward spiral...

Of course, dad’s got his own daddy issues but that is another subject for another time (generational compounding dysfunction.) It’s like compounding credit card debt that people only pay the minimum on. It just keeps getting bigger and worse all the while people think they’re getting by...

Bottom line: Men need to be men. Men are called to represent God to their families and society. When that doesn’t happen it all goes to an exponentially growing pile of crap, and it stinks, bad! Time to step up dudes. Reject passivity, Accept responsibility, Lead Courageously, Expect God’s greater reward.

Technaholics? part 2

Now to the other side of the issue...
There do seem to be a ton of addictions these days and technology and the gadgets it provides are not immune to humanity's idolatry. Computers, gaming consoles, PDA/cell phones and the proliferation of social networking provide plenty of modern day virtual temples of worship complete w/ priests, disciples and protocol.

Back to addictions... It's interesting how some addictions are more or less acceptable. Now this is not without reason as some addictions are more damaging and public than others. Perpetually smoking crack might kill you or land you in jail while constant "tweeting" on twitter.com will only make you unproductive and sound like an idiot. Nevertheless, it seems part of the human condition to be obsessive about people, things, and/or ideas.

What does this have to do w/ God? The Apostle Paul instructed the followers of Jesus in Ephesus to not be drunk with wine but instead to be filled with the Spirit (of God). Paul is contrasting being controlled by a lifestyle of drunkenness with life being controlled by Spirit of the living God. The point here is that any addiction, whether it be alcohol, crack, technology, ideology, philosophy, a relationship, another person, etc., is something that the Spirit wants to not only to infiltrate and ultimately overcome; the Spirit wants to totally consume us. We should consider it a grand opportunity to be released from our bondage to anything less that what is ultimate, more real and fantastically satisfying. If that means going through "the hardest 30 days or your life," it's worth it. Count me in.

The easy way always gets harder and the hard way gets easier.

#7 The easy way always gets harder and the hard way gets easier. This concludes the “Bobervbs” for now anyway. This last one has to do with having some guts to do the right thing the first time even if it’s harder than the easy way. It’s always easier to do things quickly and not pay attention to details in order to mark a task off our list. Or, it may be easier to put off a hard conversation with someone because it can wait, but it’s not worth it. It will only lead to a harder conversation down the road.
Another way of saying this is that we don’t have time to get in a hurry and do things mediocre and half way. Instead, we should all agree to do what’s best, no matter what the cost because in the long run, it’ll pay off. It may be more difficult in the meantime but we’re in this life for the long haul. In the end, the hard way is worth it. Those hard conversations with others set a precedent for the boundaries of relationships and guide them to a more amiable and productive end.

What you allow you invite

#6 What you allow you invite. This proverb may be the toughest for me. It is similar to “leaders/moderation, followers/excess.” I think it’s hard for me because I don’t want to communicate that tolerance of an idea or behavior means I’m a promoter of it but pragmatically, I think it’s true. Example: In my line of work, students always want to see where the boundaries are. While I don’t think cussing is in and of itself a sin, if what you allow you invite is true, then if I allow it, I’m inviting it. I don’t like that. While I don’t want a bunch of legalistic people thinking that there is never a time and place for strong language and I certainly don’t want a bunch of ill informed people thinking that certain words have a moral value assigned to them by God, neither do I want a bunch of teenagers running around acting like idiots, not possessing the discernment to know time and place, cussing up a storm because it is “allowed.” So, while I don’t have a no-cussing rule, I do have conversations (see proverb #3.)

What you win people with is what you win them to.

#5 What you win people with is what you win them to. Loyalty and expectation are two sides of the same coin. People are dedicated to what got them into association with the individual or group whether it was an event, idea or relationship. The decisive factor in their coming to the relationship is what they will continue to give themselves to.

Submission is not submission until there’s a disagreement.

#4 Submission is not submission until there’s a disagreement. This is a hard one but maybe the closest to being a universal truth. It’s easy to say that one submits to authority until there is a difference of opinion. When everyone is of the same mind, there is no submission. Submission is most clearly seen during times of conflict. BTW, it’s also the true test of whether or not we trust the leadership we’ve chosen to follow.

When to cut 'em off

How do you know when to quit pursuing a professional ministry relationship that is not moving forward? What do you do when you have a volunteer or (in my case) a student in ministry who is not where they need to be? How do I know when to keep pursuing them and when to move on?

For me, it comes down to 3 things. These things are in escalating order of importance. In other words, number three is more important than number one.
1) Your bandwidth
The amount of available time and energy that you have to invest in this person definitely comes into play. If you're out of energy, this really limits the amount of time you have to invest in unmotivated people. However, if you have spare time on your hands, then go for it, even if they're tough.
2) The person's value to you personally or the organization
For the organization, value is equal to the amount of leadership potential. To quantify leadership potential, read John Maxwell. Ask yourself, "is this a person that people naturally look to for decisions." If so, more effort is warranted than if the answer is negative. I use the calibrated gut to put people into a 1-5 (5 being great potential) grid of possible influence on others.
3) The teachability of the person
This is the most important issue. I want to spend the majority of my time with people who are teachable. If a person has a leadership potential of a 5 but 0 teachability, I pass them by. However, if there is any teachable attitude present, they would be well worth the effort. I would give a 5 LP 1 Teachable much more effort than a 3 with the same teachability. However, I would invest in a 3LP who was teachable over a 5LP any day!

No matter who they are, all people matter. Therefore, attitude counts. What you say is as important as how you say it. Give them the love sandwich (meaty truth sandwiched in between two pieces of affirmation). Give them every piece of information and available opportunity to become the type of person they need to be and show themselves teachable. Of course this assumes that we are being teachable ourselves. As such, we should remember that with every relationship there is something to be learned.

Anyone can Criticize; Leaders make Solutions

It really doesn't take that much intellect or effort to notice that things are messed up. It's almost like saying that the sky is blue. Of course, things are not as good as they could be, whether we're talking about the world at large, our organizations, our families, or ourselves. I can think of at least a dozen things wrong with each. Almost all of us could.

A better way is needed. I tell our leaders that when it comes to evaluations, we need to hold our tongues until we are ready to propose and be a part of a solution. I will not hear a complaint without a proposed plan for solving the problem. This does two things. First, it keeps the gossip and rumor mill shut down. If everyone knows that complaints without solutions fall on deaf ears then pretty soon, they quit griping or leave. Second, it fosters forward movement. Criticism without remedies breeds negativity and regress. On the other hand, people who are accustomed to thinking in terms of solutions are difference makers, have ownership in the organization and have a positive attitude. These are all things are highly preferable to the alternative!

"Just buy 'em a beer."

A friend of mine, a "youth" pastor at another church, recently told me about a conversation he had with his boss. The context of the conversation was about how to win the allegiance of the men in leadership of the church. The advice given to him was, "just buy 'em a beer, and they'll love you" or something like that.

On one hand, that's really funny. On the other, its very smart. Notwithstanding the various positions concerning consumption of alcohol (I recommend Driscoll), in our "subural" (combo suburban/rural -I made that up) Texas culture, buying someone a beer is a kind gesture. It's different from just buying someone lunch, it's more manly and intimate. It means you're part of the team, in the club, one of the guys. So, it only makes sense, to "buy 'em a beer" if one wants to get "in" with the dudes who make decisions and influence people.

To put some theological and philosophical reasoning behind this action we only need to look as far as Jesus. He was accused of being a "a drunkard and a glutton, a friend of tax collectors and sinners." There are two charges leveled against him. The second of the two was that he befriended the outcasts and misfits of his society. We know that this charge was indeed true. He was a friend of prostitutes, lepers, Samaritans, sell outs and the like. But to move toward the first charge of excess, both in drink and food, is a bit more controversial. I don't believe that Jesus drank too much or ate too much, but he apparently drank and ate enough for the charge to stick. Whatever we say about his evangelistic and discipleship methodology, it seems that we must say that drinking and eating were staples. To understand the why behind Jesus' actions a little more understanding is needed.

Eating a meal with someone in the first century was a fairly important deal. To eat with someone signified extension of friendship and loyalty. The sharing of a meal was an indication of love and commitment... kind of like buying someone a beer in our culture. Both are acts of hospitality and generosity that assume a certain level of relational status. Jesus aligned himself, through the cultural forms of his day, with those who needed to hear the good news, both the disciples and the marginalized (another blog on another day on that last part).

Since I deal with students, who are typically underage, I don't "buy 'em a beer." I usually buy them a drink @ Sonic or Starbucks. It's amazing how God uses the purchase of a $3 beverage to open opportunities for the gospel of Jesus to be planted and take root.

So, be like Jesus and "go buy 'em a" fill in the blank with the legal beverage of choice!